Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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