Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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