you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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