last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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