Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am mentally ready for anal.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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