Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
