I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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