Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
