can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
