I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
