textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
