explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
