So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
