dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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