I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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