In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
