Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
