Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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