Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
