So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
