Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
