good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Someone shattered a urinal.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
