My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
