cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
