im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
