Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
