Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
