If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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