i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
