just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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