my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
