I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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