I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
