I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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