my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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