she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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