I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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