can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just tell him i said nine months
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
