sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
