So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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