Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
