My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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