Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
