you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
