Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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