Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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