she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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