1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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