Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Randomize
