he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
