I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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